My Own Twilight
by jashaw
Summary: Instead of getting bit in the hand in the ballet studio Bella was bit in the neck so now there is no turning back for Edward. How will E & B deal with her sudden and unplanned change? R&R!
1. Chapter 1

This is my twist on Twilight's ending. I hope you like it. Sometimes when I reread it for the millionth time I wish this is how it would have happened just because her not becoming a vampire has dragged on painfully for me. There are some direct quotes from Stephenie at first getting us into my version. (It starts on Twilight pg. 451 & when I quote Stephenie she is in Italics)

Chapter 1: The End

_I heard, as if from underwater, the final growl of the hunter. I could see, through the long tunnels my eyes had become, his dark shape coming toward me. With my last effort, my hand instinctively raised to protect my face. _He dismissed it effortlessly and bit into my neck._ My eyes closed and I drifted. _

_As I drifted I dreamed. _

_Where I floated, under the dark water, I heard the happiest sound my mind could conjure up – as beautiful, as uplifting, as it was ghastly.  
It was another snarl; a deeper, wilder roar that rang with fury. _I felt my body as it fell to the floor but it was as if I was no longer connected to it.

_I was brought back, _a sharp pain slashed through my neck, _but I couldn't find my way back far enough to open my eyes. _

_And then I knew I was dead._

_Because through the heavy water, I heard the sound of an angel calling my name, calling me to the only heaven I wanted. _

_"Oh no, Bella, no!" the angel's voice cried in horror._

_Behind that longed-for sound was another noise –an awful tumult that my mind shied away from. A vicious bass growling, a shocking snapping sound, and a high keening, suddenly breaking off ..._

_I tried to concentrate on the angel's voice instead._

_"Bella, Bella, no, oh please, no, no!" And the angel was sobbing tearless, broken sobs._

_"Carlisle!" the angel called, agony in his perfect voice, _"He bit her!"

_All of a sudden there was a new scalding pain in my _neck _that was_ _overshadowing everything else. _

_Someone was burning me._

I didn't know what else to do I screamed my angel's name.

_"Edward, the fire! Stop the fire!" I realized my eyes were closed again. I opened them, desperate to find his face. And I found him. Finally I could see his perfect face, staring at me, twisted into a mask of fear_ _and pain._

_"_Oh Bella, I can't stop it. It's too late. I was too late. I can't stop it!" His voice was desperate and filled with sorrow as he laid his head down sobbing into my chest.

The pain was growing more intense and I could feel the burning spread, as it seemed to eclipse my whole body in a vice grip. I couldn't think rationally and I could no longer hear my angel's voice as the pain went throughout my body in giant waves. The burning seeped into my bones as if they were all being broken. I didn't know how I was still conscious with the magnitude of pain coursing through my veins. I recognized I was being lifted and pressed against something cool, of which I was grateful. The coolness calmed the burning slightly but it was still nowhere near manageable.

I had no concept of time only the pain but it seemed endless. It seemed like this torture would continue always but never lessen. I eventually could hear the screams but it barely registered that they were probably my own. I was convulsing and I felt cold hands trying to hold me still. My face seemed to be resting on something cool. The fire blazed on from my scalp to my toes.

Finally after what seemed like days I began to form rational thoughts. I decided I was dying very slowly and very painfully. And all of a sudden I saw someone in my mind. I remembered a beautiful young man with bronze hair and golden eyes. I realized I wanted him with me, no, I needed him with me. I could hear something and I was desperately trying to grasp hold of it but the pain kept making it impossible.

Finally I noticed the pain was lessening and my screams were becoming whimpers. That is when I really heard it. It was him, I knew it was and he was humming. Humming a beautiful song and I knew it was familiar. It was so frustrating not being able to organize my thoughts clearly but the pain just wouldn't allow for anything. Then my body started to tense and tighten. The pain was suddenly gone and my heart seemed to explode and my lungs involuntarily pushed the last bit of air out. It had stopped and I knew that I was dead.

I was scared and everything had gone silent. My mind tried to adjust to what had happened to me and then I heard the most beautiful, musical voice.

"Bella, love are you okay? I'm here, I'm here."

Was that me? Was I Bella? It sounded right and I opened my eyes and I was staring at the most gorgeous creature. He was the one I had seen in my thoughts, which had hardly done him justice. His face was perfect like an artist had sculpted it but his expression didn't match his lovely face. It was tortured and his eyes were black. I knew this face, I loved this face ... somehow he seemed more than he had been before.

"Bella, Oh Bella", and he brought me closer and pressed me to his chest. Oh that voice! As long as I lived I knew nothing would ever compare to it. I felt electricity shoot throughout my whole body as he pulled me tighter and tighter. I needed this man there was a hunger I couldn't explain it, I just knew that it would cause me pain to be separated from him. I was connected to him. I knew my existence depended on his.

I looked into his eyes and I needed to relieve his suffering somehow. As I went to open my mouth I remembered my angel's name it was ... Edward. Just the thought of his name racing through my mind began to connect my memories together and I saw him kissing me and holding me. Joy surged through me he must love me. It felt like such a relief after what I had just suffered. It made it all worthwhile if this is what had been waiting for me.

He looked at me expectantly but instead of speaking I just pressed my lips to his and I felt the electricity shoot through me again and I deepened the kiss.

Though he seemed hesitant at first I felt his hesitancy melt away as we lay down on the bed. I felt his hand move through my hair and then slowly his fingertips traced the lines of my face till he reached my chin. I never wanted it to stop but too soon I felt him back away and look deep into my eyes.

Then I saw the ache and pain return to his eyes, "Oh Bella I am so sorry."

My voice came out raspy at first but then it sounded very musical much like his, "Edward, what's wrong?"

He looked at me incredulously.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Heartbreak

"Bella, can you remember what happened?"

My mind started racing. What had happened? I was starting to figure it all out I was getting bloody and gruesome glimpses. James had bitten me but Edward had saved me again. I must be a ... a vampire. My mouth dropped open and I looked at Edward and smiled.

I looked down at my hands. They were pretty. I never had pretty fingernails I always bit them off as short as I could stand but now they looked perfect. My hands were paler and hard just like Edward. I was so happy I grabbed him and hugged him as hard as I could and he winced.

"Oh sorry, are you okay?"

He chuckled darkly, "I'm not used to being hugged that tightly by you." He looked so unhappy still.

"Edward, what is wrong?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "Oh Bella, I am so sorry I never meant for this to happen to you. I am so sorry I wasn't there to protect you. Why oh why Bella, did you go without me?"

I lowered my eyes. He didn't want me to be like him, I could see it in his eyes. My heart was breaking. This was all I had wanted from the time I knew it was even a possibility. To spend forever with Edward but I saw it in his eyes he was sickened by the very idea. If I had a heart to break it would be torn in two. I stood up to leave. I couldn't stay, not with his penetrating eyes filled with pity and ... anger.

I ran out of the room and slammed the door and it fell off its hinges and then it smashed onto the floor. I realized when I made it to the hallway I was in the Cullen's home and I ran downstairs with amazing speed and gracefulness. Everything felt wrong though. I was never supposed to do this with out Edward, without him loving me. That had never been my plan. I raced out the front door and in to the woods. The smells and the sounds were overwhelming and I just ran trying to outrun my newfound senses.

I felt someone running behind me and then arms wrapped around me tightly. I tried to fight but then a second set of arms wrapped around me and wouldn't let me budge. I began tearlessly sobbing and shaking. I looked up at the faces that were holding me; it was Jasper and Alice. I had become quite close to them during our forced time together and I knew I owed them an apology for ditching them the way that I did but I didn't have it in me right now. I felt Jasper sending me wave after wave of calm but it didn't help. I just started to feel numb. Jasper could not fix this.

Alice spoke first, "I am so sorry my brother is an idiot and for some reason I couldn't see what he was going to do."

I knew she was trying to help but I met her eyes, "I don't want him to tell me things that aren't true. He doesn't want me now, he doesn't want me like this."

Alice looked back at me shocked; "He said that?"

"He didn't say that exactly.", I admitted, "But I saw it in his eyes he looked at me with disgust."

Jasper jumped in now as he loosened his grip on me. "Bella, the only disgust he feels is for himself. He thinks that he has ruined your life or your human life anyway. Edward sees everything in black and white. He can only see us as monsters and he never wanted that for you. He hasn't allowed himself to see the good in this, he refuses."

This did sound like Edward but I still couldn't get past those eyes. As I calmed one part of me another part began to leap to life. I smelled something delicious and saliva like substance began accumulating in my mouth. Jasper and Alice grabbed me tighter again.

"Bella, you can't eat that it's a human. We have to take you to find something else."

However although my mind heard her words, it was unable to process them. All I could think of was that delicious smell. They began dragging me further and further away and I was fighting and I was trying to bite them and claw my way out of Jasper and Alice's grasp and all of the sudden I felt something crash into me. When I finally came back to myself I realized it was Emmett and he was sitting on me.

"Thanks Emmett", as he offered me his hand. He smiled and laughed at me like it was perfectly normal to sit on your brother's girlfriend to keep her from eating a human.

I still didn't have a clear head. They ran me further away until we spotted some deer and the saliva or I guess the venom again started to fill my mouth. My new instincts took over and I pounced on one deer after another until the burning in my throat felt quenched. I looked down at myself and at the last deer I had killed. I was sickened by what I had become so it was no wonder Edward was sickened by me too. I looked like something out of a horror movie, he was right I was a monster. I almost proved it completely by attacking a human. If it hadn't been for Emmett, Alice, and Jasper I would have.

Jasper could feel my emotions and again he shot wave after wave of calm and again it had no effect. "Bella, you are not a monster but it is hard. I still haven't mastered the control of the others. It's hard but it is possible. We are here to help you."

I mumbled a sad excuse for a thank you and lowered myself to the forest floor and was shocked to finally remember my parents.

I asked with a panicked voice, "What is going on with my parents? Where do they think I am?"

What an ungrateful daughter I was. I couldn't imagine what my parents must have been thinking right now.

Alice looked at me with sad eyes. "Your funeral was this morning and so was Edward's."

I looked at her with what must have been a pained and stunned expression.

She continued, "The story is that we went to Phoenix to help Edward find you and he did. You were driving back together in your truck and were in a terrible accident." Her eyes looked worried, "They are having a hard time right now dealing with it but from what I can see it will continue to get better. Humans just need time."

I wanted to change the subject and then I remembered I needed to tell Alice what James had said about her. "Alice, did you see the tape? James knew you."

"Yeah, I watched it. I guess I understand now why I don't remember and why there was no one with me when I woke up. Hopefully, I will be able to figure out even more."

"So I guess you guys are not staying in Forks much longer. Where will you go?"

"Bella, are you serious? We are not leaving you behind you are coming with us." Emmett just glared at me and it was the first time in a long time that he had looked scary.

"Well I can't stay with you guys now that Edward doesn't really want me around anymore." I winced visibly as I said it.

Emmett glared at me again, "Seriously, are you crazy? Are you blind? He is in love with you!"

"That may have been true before but he doesn't love me anymore."

Emmett just rolled his eyes, "You two really deserve each other because you both are nuts. He is up in his room wallowing in guilt instead of being with you. And you are sitting here wallowing in self-pity. When the truth is you both love each other and you are both too afraid to admit it! Open your mouths and communicate!"

Jasper laughed, "Well, well Emmett maybe you should consider couples therapy. You are pretty good."

Emmett's booming laugh echoed through the forest, " I am more than just a handsome face, Jasper. I have learned a little something from being married to Rose for the last sixty years!"

I let a small chuckle escape involuntarily.

I still couldn't figure it out I guess I did need to talk to Edward again but I didn't want to make him miserable. I wasn't going to force myself on him no matter how much I loved him. I wanted him to choose to be with me. I wanted him to want me; to need me like I needed him

Alice looked at me, "Talk to him and try to make him see things clearly. Then you come on with us to Alaska and let Edward wallow until he comes to his senses."

Well though I wasn't sure I agreed with what the outcome would be it didn't sound like a bad idea to get away from him. As much as I dreaded leaving him I couldn't bear to see those eyes day in and day out. We walked back towards the house as all three of them assured me that it would all work out. I wish I had the confidence to believe them.


	3. Chapter 3

_I'm glad some of you seem to like it enough to review it! I love reviews they increase my self-esteem._

Chapter 3: Pain

He was waiting on the front porch with his hands in his pockets. He was looking more nervous than I had ever seen him. He ran his fingers through his beautiful bronze hair and my heart sunk in my chest and I looked down at the ground. I heard Emmett growling and I knew he was sharing his displeasure with Edward through his thoughts. I didn't really want to talk to him in front of the others, so as painful as it was I let his name spill from my mouth.

"Edward, I need to talk to you."

I refused to look up knowing what I would see and so I walked slowly back towards the forest waiting for him to catch up with me.

He caught up fast and started talking very quickly, "Bella, I am so sorry. I release you from any obligation you think that you might owe me. Now that you remember everything I know how angry you must be with me. Now that you realize everything that I have stolen from you by trying to keep you in my life. I was selfish and I will never forgive myself for the pain I have caused you. I'm so sorry."

I finally looked up at his beautiful face. I couldn't let this guilt ruin his life; he could go on and find happiness. He deserved to be happy.

"Edward, please don't say another word! You saved my life again and I don't blame you for anything. I made all of these decisions myself. I chose to be with you knowing what the risks were. I chose to confront James on my own. I know you don't believe that this is a life but I do. I _**wanted**__ to_ be like you because I _**wanted**_ to be with you. I just didn't know how much your feelings for me were wrapped up in the idea of me staying human. I had no idea of how much you really hate what you are but ... I loved you. I will always love you." I had tried to stay calm but my voice was breaking at the end.

I had to finish before I lost my nerve. " I won't stay with someone who is in pain every time they look at me. I'm not going to force myself on you. I saw the guilt and the disgust for me in your eyes. I realize you can't love me anymore. I realize I am not the same person to you. I can't stay ... I'm leaving with Alice to go to Denali. I'm so sorry for everything."

As soon as the words were out of my mouth I ran. I didn't want him to comfort me or try to make things all right they would never be all right. He ran after me and grabbed my arm frantically but I wouldn't look up, I couldn't bear to look in to those eyes again. I just needed to leave. He raised my head towards his lovely, glorious face and he looked like he wanted to say something but he couldn't say it. There was so much pain in those beautiful eyes and something more ... desperation maybe, he looked as if he was pleading with me to stay but nothing came out of his mouth. He just couldn't make himself say the words. I couldn't take it anymore I pushed him away and took off. I didn't want to go back to the house yet but I knew with no one else around that I needed to be careful to stay away from any humans. I tried to run deeper into the forest away from him, away from everything.

_Love, life, meaning ... over._

I finally stopped running and threw myself on to the damp ground. I looked around and I found myself in the last place I wanted to be right now. It was our beautiful meadow. All of the memories from that day flooded back into my mind with a vengeance. My body shook with my sobbing. I was gasping for air that I no longer needed. I stayed like that for hours just huddled in a ball on the ground in the dirt. If only I could sleep... No, his face would find me there too. He had always starred in my dreams even since the first day my eyes had caught his in the cafeteria. It seemed like such a long time ago though I knew it had only been a few months.

Finally my mind started having to deal with the inevitable. I had to deal with what had happened. What would I do? How could I go on without him? How could it feel so right for me to be with him when he obviously didn't feel the same way? How did I not see how expendable I was to him? Why did I set myself up for something like this? I would not be able to bear the devastation of this. How could I be so wrong about his feelings for me? I was so stupid, so naïve! Why did I think he could ever love me?

I turned on to my back and looked up at the sky and a cloud was passing over the sun. As I stared at the cloud the sun finally started to poke through and I looked down at my hands again. The light from the sun was making them sparkle. It was amazing but I'd never be able to forget the first time I had seen someone sparkle...

This was truly unbearable the pain soaked through me. I could only see his face. I thought back over everything that had happened. He had kissed me earlier maybe he did care about me still; maybe he could eventually love me. No, I would not allow myself to think like that. I can't go back, I have to go forward. This is the only way that I am going to survive this, if I survive this. He had looked like he wanted to say more. Well if he had wanted to he could have. He doesn't have anything more to say to me. Though there did seem to be something in his eyes before I ran. It was almost as if his eyes were pleading with me to stay... No, I am sure that was my imagination. I just need to get out of here. I had to find away to get him out of my head.

I looked up at the sky the sun was starting to set I must have been out here for a really long time. I guess everyone was trying to give me some space. Then all of a sudden I smelled something familiar but I hadn't become accustomed enough yet to my newfound senses to know what. There was someone in the meadow with me. I began to unconsciously hold my breath as they stepped out into the light I relaxed and took in a big breath of air. It was Alice. Her tiny body gracefully but swiftly crossed the distance between us. Before I could speak she cut me off.

"Bella, I don't think you should talk quite yet."

That seemed like a weird thing to say to someone but I sat and listened to what she had to say it couldn't be any worse than what I had already dealt with today.

"Bella, I can't seem to see your future anymore and Jasper said that he was having trouble with his power's too. He tried many times this afternoon to calm you but with no luck. I guess what you already seemed to possess, as a human has now been amped up a notch by becoming a vampire. Our powers don't seem to affect you now either but there is also something else."

She looked uncomfortable as she continued, "You told Edward not to say a word and now he can't."

"What?" I stared back at her like she had just grown a second head. "Alice what are you talking about?"

"Bella, I am serious he can't talk and he had to write down everything to explain to us what he thought must have happened. So seriously don't say anything even remotely close to a command to anyone until we can figure this out."

My dead heart leapt inside of my chest he had been trying to say something to me. No, I couldn't think that way it was probably just more of the same, more about his guilt and how he is such a monster. Then I thought about this new power. It was terrifying would I be able to fix what I had done to Edward? Was it something that just wore off on it's own? Well unfortunately I would have to see him again to try to fix this. I hated the thought of seeing him again and was dying to see him again at the same time.

"I'm glad you have calmed down. After we found out what happened to Edward, we were afraid to approach you while you were so upset. Emmett was worried you would tell one of us to go jump off a cliff or something."

I tried to laugh because I knew Alice was attempting to lighten the mood because it was all really scary but I was still very afraid. I just wouldn't be able to talk myself for fear I might hurt someone. I was glad that I hadn't yet. Then my thoughts went back to earlier today when I had almost gone after a human. If I had known about my ability I could have just made them let me go. I let this realization sink in and looked back at Alice with what I was sure was an expression of horror.

" I have to get out of here. I can't find another human knowing this. I won't be able to control myself from using my power when I am like that."

Alice shot me one of her prettiest smiles. "That is the plan! We are all packed and ready to go, you are riding with Edward and you are going to fix him so he can tell you what is really going on in that stupid head of his!

"Alice, I already did this once today I don't think I can do it again."

Alice just glared at me, "Bella you got your feelings out but Edward had a lot more to say but you didn't allow him to get it out. I have a feeling if he had you wouldn't be out here looking like a filthy, suicidal vampire."

"Please don't get my hopes up again I just can't take any more hope ... it has been a very bad day."

She just flashed me one of her perfect smiles. "Oh you'll see!"

We headed back towards the house but this time the whole family was waiting for us on the front porch. Great there isn't anything like being crushed in front of an audience!

I stared at Edward and did the only thing I could think of. I yelled at him, "Edward, speak!"


	4. Chapter 4

_My sister and a few others said they would really like to hear the story thus far from Ed's perspective. I've never done this so it might really stink but here's to hoping you like it._

Chapter 4: Misunderstood

My beautiful Bella lay on the ground bruised, broken and bloodied. She was screaming my name and there was nothing I could do.

_"_Oh Bella, I can't stop it. It's too late. I was too late. I can't make it stop!"

I picked her up and pressed her close to me I was sobbing.

How could I have done this to her? I truly am a monster! What am I going to do? James may have bit her but I might as well have. I have ruined her life. I have taken her soul. Oh God help me! Not that God would even listen to the pleadings of someone like me.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I heard Carlisle's thoughts of comfort.

I growled back at him, "I promised to protect her! I promised her. Look at her I've killed her!"

Her screams were becoming more and more desperate and I was helpless I could only press her tighter to my chest.

_Edward, it will be okay. She will understand. She loves you._

"It will not be okay! She will hate me. I have taken away her future, her life and her family! All of you told me to stay away but I wouldn't listen. I am a selfish monster! You were all right, I am prideful and arrogant I thought I could handle this! I am such a fool! Alice showed me what would happen to her and I refused to believe it!"

"Edward she is stronger than you give her credit for. As irrational as she was she came here to protect you because she loves you. She didn't want anyone else to get hurt."

That didn't make me feel better it made me feel worse. I had taken advantage of her, of her love for me. She was so naïve and I just let her into my life knowing full well that this would never end well.

"Please Edward, we have to go. We have a lot to do. We have got to get Bella back to the house to complete the change. Alice, Jasper and Emmett are trying to figure out what to do. We can't stay here!"

I picked up Bella and with the movement her screaming and thrashing intensified. Her screams were going to be ingrained into my head for the rest of eternity, not that I didn't deserve worse. I got into the back of Carlisle's car with Bella. Her little body looked so fragile still and I tried to enjoy the beating of her heart while I still could.

I kept kissing her head and her hair realizing all too well that I would never get this chance to be near her again. As horrible as it all was I could have her close to me for a little while longer. When she woke up I knew she would despise me for what I had done to her. I didn't know what I was going to do. All I knew is that I would not be able to live without her. Her love had changed me profoundly I just couldn't go back not when I had finally found what had completed me, what had finally made me feel whole. I never knew how big of a hole there was in my life until Bella. I just couldn't bear to go back to that empty cold existence. I loved her so desperately that there was no way I could keep going on pretending.

I would go to the Volturi I would make it end. I wouldn't be able to continue like this. I probably deserved an eternity of misery for what I had done but I didn't think that I would last long with the amount of pain I was currently in.

I stared out the window smelling her fragrance knowing it would soon change to a non-edible one that would allow me to get so much closer to her … but unfortunately I knew too well I wouldn't be around to enjoy the benefits of the changes. I wonder what she would decide to do maybe one day … No, I wasn't going to let myself think like that. There is no possibility that she could ever still want me.

I watched the brown desert disappear as the green of the Pacific Northwest began to take its place. We would be home soon. I tried to hum her lullaby and soothe her by telling her how sorry I was and how much I loved her. Carlisle had left me alone with my thoughts for which I was grateful. I couldn't take much more but I knew I needed to help formulate the plan that would protect the rest of my family even though I had just failed to protect the most important person in my life.

I knew Carlisle had been talking on the phone with several members of the family but I had been to out of it to notice what had been going on.

"Carlisle, what are we going to do?"

He knew immediately what I was referring to.

"Alice, Jasper and Emmett are staging your death and that of Bella's. Her truck is going to be found at the bottom of a cliff. Hopefully your bodies will be burned beyond all recognition. We might even fool the Quilleute elders being that you were burned. It all depends on how much they still believe their legends, which by Bella's account is still quite a bit."

I had once again put my family in danger too. If anyone suspected that I had hurt Bella the treaty could be broken. Not that they could do much about it but Carlisle would be devastated he had worked very hard with Ephraim Black to iron out the treaty. They would never believe that it wasn't us who turned Bella.

I noticed we were now entering Forks. Fortunately it was still dark out so no one would notice us as we headed to our home. I didn't see Rosalie or Esme. Carlisle had probably warned them about me and they were making themselves scarce. I carried Bella upstairs to my room where I was shocked to find a bed. I gently laid her down. I'm sure Esme had thoughtfully placed it in there as soon as she heard about Bella. How I wish that Bella could be part of my family but I realized that my dream would never come true. Bella would probably not want anything to do with any of us. Maybe we could take her up to Alaska to live with Tanya. I didn't want her to be alone. She would need others like us to take care of her.

I stared at her face that was twisted into a mask of terror and pain. How could I have done this to my sweet Bella? Even with the pain she was still beautiful and I could see how much she had already changed as her features became more defined and her skin became colder and harder. How was I going to get through two more days of this hell?

Finally at dawn of the third day I could hear her heart began to slow, I kept humming her lullaby hoping it was soothing to her. When I heard her heart stop I still held on to some irrational fear that she was really gone then I felt her take thefirst breath she would never need.

"Bella, love are you okay? I'm here, I'm here."

She opened her eyes and though they were blood red they were filled with love and devotion. It broke my heart I knew she didn't remember what I had done to her.

"Bella, Oh Bella" "Oh Bella I am so sorry."

I couldn't resist her and I pressed her close then I felt electricity shoot throughout my whole body more intensely then I had ever felt. I couldn't help but think of the first time that I had felt it. It seemed like such a long time ago. I pulled her tighter and tighter.

She looked into my eyes and I saw so much worry, concern and love for me a monster. I had to tell her the truth. As usual she took me by surprise and pressed her luscious lips against mine the electricity created was unbelievable. I knew I needed to stop her but I couldn't I lay back on the bed as she deepened the kiss. My hands were running through her hair, my fingertips traced the lines of her face. I didn't want to stop but I knew I had to she hadn't even realized what had happened to her yet.

I pulled away and looked into her deep brown eyes I was so ashamed.

I tried to explain again, "Oh Bella I am so sorry."

She looked at me confused, "Edward, what's wrong?"

I looked at her wondering what she remembered but mostly I could only think about her voice, it was even more alluring than before. It had a more musical quality now and it made me all the more besotted by her. It was going to crush me to have to tell her but I had to I didn't deserve such a perfect creature.

"Bella, can you remember what happened?"

I could tell her mind was racing but I couldn't believe it when a smile started to play across her face as she looked down at her hands.

The next thing she did took me completely off guard she grabbed me and hugged me so tightly it was painful. When she heard me she apologized but I could only reply with sarcasm knowing that she still didn't understand fully.

"Edward, what is wrong?"

How could she not know what was wrong everything was wrong!

"Oh Bella, I am so sorry I never meant for this to happen to you. I am so sorry I wasn't there to protect you. Why oh why Bella, did you go without me?" My voice was cracking and I knew this was it, realization was dawning on her face. She lowered her eyes it was all finally starting to sink in for her. She was realizing what she had become what I had done to her, I lowered my eyes. My heart was breaking for her and I and then she did what I had expected, she ran slamming my door to the floor.

I yelled at Jasper and Alice to go after her to help her, to explain things to her so she wouldn't hurt anyone. They raced after her I was sure that she wouldn't want anything else from me. I tried to block out their thoughts because it was mostly about what a big idiot I was until I heard them talk about a human. They were trying to keep a hold of Bella I yelled for Emmett and told him the situation he took off running into the forest. I sat on the porch hoping that Bella was okay. Her hatred for me would continue the more she realized what being a monster was really like.

Once she was safe I tried to block out their thoughts. I didn't want to hear how much she loathed me for what I had done to her.

I heard Esme's thoughts as she approached.

_Edward it will be all right you will see everything will work out she loves you._

I looked back at her, "I wish but she finally sees me for what I am."

_That isn't true she loves you she is just confused and trying to sort things out_

I nodded and smiled hoping she would take the hint. I just wanted to be alone with my misery. I couldn't deal with false hopes. As I waited for them to return so I could make sure Bella was okay I heard Emmett's voice in my head loudly. As they approached he laid in to me.

_Edward, are you really going to completely screw this up? She loves you, you idiot! Tell her you love her and you are happy about this that is all she wants from you! Seriously if you mess this up and hurt her I am going to kill you!_

I looked at her she looked so sad. She was still covered in blood from her transformation and her first hunting experience but she couldn't have looked more beautiful to me. Could she really still have feelings for me? She couldn't possibly. She was staring at me. I could see so much pain.

"Edward, I need to talk to you." My name on her lips sounded so wonderful even if she wanted to tell me that she hated me I didn't care I just wanted to be with her for as long as I can. I chased after her. She kept her head down she didn't even want to look at me but I knew if I didn't try I would regret it. I was worried though I didn't want her to stay with me just because she thought I was her only option she needed to know she could do whatever she wanted. I needed to get everything out on the table.

"Bella, I am so sorry. I release you from any obligation you think that you might owe me. Now that you remember everything I know how angry you must be with me. Now that you realize everything that I have stolen from you by trying to keep you in my life. I was selfish and I will never forgive myself for the pain I have caused you. I'm so sorry."

She finally looked up at me. She looked so sad and I knew it was my entire fault.

"Edward, please don't say another word! You saved my life again and I don't blame you for anything. I made all of these decisions myself. I chose to be with you knowing what the risks were. I chose to confront James on my own. I know you don't believe that this is a life but I do. I _**wanted**__ to_ be like you because I _**wanted**_ to be with you. I just didn't know how much your feelings for me were wrapped up in the idea of me staying human. I had no idea of how much you really hate what you are but ... I loved you. I will always love you." She loves me still? What did she say? Was she crazy? Of course I loved her and it didn't matter whether she was human or not. What was she talking about?

" I won't stay with someone who is in pain every time they look at me. I'm not going to force myself on you. I saw the guilt and the disgust for me in your eyes. I realize you can't love me anymore. I realize I am not the same person to you. I can't stay ... I'm leaving with Alice to go to Denali. I'm so sorry for everything."

I screamed at her but nothing would come out! She was running away, how could she think any of that! I was losing her! I ran after her and grabbed her arm. I tried to tell her again that none of that was true and that I did love her more than anything in this world. She had the strength of a newborn vampire and easily shrugged me off. I wanted to chase after her again but I had to figure out why I couldn't talk to Bella. I replayed her conversation in my head and then it jumped out at me…

_Edward don't say another word!_

Her gift, it was the power of suggestion. I have to go back and tell everyone what is going on and get somebody to go after her once she calms down. I need her to fix me so I can tell her the truth. I can't believe she thinks those things. How could I have been so stupid and blind? I should have known how consistent and forgiving she is. I should have trusted her more. I would fix this I have to fix this Bella can not go on thinking that I don't love her when she means everything to me….

_Reviews please! It makes me work faster!_


	5. Chapter 5

-1_Well hopefully you like it so far. I need more opinions! I know a lot of you are reading but I don't have many reviews to show for it so click the button! This story is way harder to write than my last one! I'm not sure why... but I 'm having some serious writer's block. If you have any suggestions let me have them! And I'm glad some of you liked Bella talking to Edward like he was a dog! Come on he deserved it! He is such an idiot sometimes but we still love him!_

Chapter 5: A Mended Heart

Edward looked up with his beautiful golden eyes full of worry and concern. He began talking quickly probably trying to get it all in before I rendered him speechless again. If I hadn't been a vampire I probably would have missed half of it.

"Bella I'm so sorry I was trying to tell you how I felt but I couldn't. I never wanted you to feel like I didn't love you….Not even for one second, as if I could keep myself from loving you. I will always love you. I was just so scared and angry with myself. I thought you would be so upset with me for letting this happen to you. I'm so sorry..."

At first I stood there dumbfounded but when he started apologizing again I had to make him stop. He was regressing down his guilt-paved road again. So I did the first thing I could think of I ran to him. Technically it was probably more like throwing myself at him but after the day that I had had the fact that he still wanted me was all that I needed to hear. All rational thought left my mind the moment that he had said that he loved me. We collided and I just started kissing him. I was kissing him like I had never been able to kiss him before and for once he wasn't holding back.

I heard his family disappear from the porch but not before I recognized a whistle that I'm sure must have come from Emmett. I was too happy to even be embarrassed. Since he wasn't backing off any I decided to get the most I could out of the situation and jumped up wrapping my legs around his waist. He chuckled but continued to kiss me. His tongue traced my lips and delved deep into my mouth. There was no space between our bodies and I never wanted this to end. How could I have doubted him? Of course he loved me. I loved him so much that it seemed to banish all intelligent and coherent thought from my brain.

I realized again that I would give up a lot to lead this life but he made it all worth it. I needed him and I would have chosen this if I had needed to. I continued to press my luck running my fingers through his hair and pressing him closer. His breathing became ragged and he moaned my name into my mouth. I don't think my life could be any more perfect. I would be forever with … Edward.

He started to lower me to the ground. "Oh Bella, you have to stop. I can't take it anymore you are irresistible."

I pouted playfully, "You seem to be resisting just fine."

"Ha, it's not without great effort. As a human I thought only your blood was able to tempt me like this but now I have discovered something far more tempting."

"Well I am a vampire now, so do your worst…"

"Oh Bella please you are driving me crazy! Go get ready to go we need to leave and I have to finish packing. I promise we will pick up where we left off. "

He looked at my unhappy face, "Bella, I promise."

I grabbed him one more time and kissed him. It was nice that he couldn't stop me anymore even if he had wanted to. I ran upstairs to Edward's bathroom to take a shower and get cleaned up. I tried to not look in the mirror and hurried through the motions of showering . It was strange to have to take such a hot shower to be able to feel any kind of warmth. I stepped out of the shower and I caught a glimpse of my red eyes. It was shocking and frightening. It was going to be another constant reminder to him of what a monster I am. No, I won't let my insecurities get the best of me. Edward loves me! It's a good thing he can't read my mind because he would truly think I had lost it if he heard me chanting Edward loves me over and over like it was my new mantra.

I looked back at the woman in the mirror trying to see the old me there. I was beautiful. Any flaw that I had once felt that I had was gone. I was still no Rosalie but I felt like I could stand next to him and feel like he wasn't a complete blind lunatic for thinking I might be attractive. I noticed there was a note and clothes, and a contact lens case on the bathroom counter.

_Dear Bella, _

_I knew you would need this stuff. I'm glad things are working out now. I'm so glad that you are my new sister! We are going to have so much fun together I can so see it!_

_Love, Alice_

She was so funny! Her new sister, this was going to take some getting used to. I had always been an only child to a single parent my whole life, so two parents and 4 siblings and a boyfriend all in the same house was going to be new for me. I looked down at the clothes she had picked out for me. I looked at the jeans they looked so tiny they must be hers well I would never be able to wear these. I figured I better at least try or else I wasn't going to have a way out of the bathroom. I slipped them on and was surprised to find they actually fit boy this vampire thing certainly had it's pluses. I popped in the contacts too. They were black lenses so with the red behind them it made them look close to my normal color.

I quickly threw on the tight dark blue blouse that I'm sure she picked out specifically for Edward and walked out the door. I looked in his room but it was empty and I couldn't help but feel sad that we were leaving Forks, the place where all of my memories with Edward had begun. I was still reminiscing when I felt arms slinking there way around my waist. I leaned back towards his chest and inhaled his lovely scent. His smell alone could drive me nuts! He turned me around and pressed me close again.

"I'm going to miss it here too."

"I thought you couldn't read my mind."

"I've gotten better."

"Funny except of course when it has to do with my love for you. On that topic you seem to always be utterly clueless."

He laughed, "Yes, well I'm sorry about that but it is so unbelievable that someone like you could really love someone like me."

I glared back at him, "What is that supposed to mean?"

" You are perfect."

"Again funny because that is exactly the one word I would use to describe you."

"Bella, please." He scoffed.

"Edward, I am very serious if you want me to start believing in your feelings than you will have to start believing in mine and if you don't believe me at least listen to Jasper!"

"Sorry, I will try." He attempted to give a half hearted smile but it was enough to melt my heart. Oh he was so gorgeous and he was all mine.

"Bella, I do love you and I know you have been on quite an emotional roller coaster today but there is something I need to tell you and ask you."

I couldn't imagine what he could want to say but he looked so nervous and scared again that he had me extremely worried but then he got down on one knee.

If I still had a heart it would have stopped. What was he doing ? Is he really doing what I think he is doing?

"Bella, I have to tell you that my life was empty before you. You came in to it and it will never be the same without you. I have felt how it would feel to lose you and I never want to have that feeling again. I want you to be with me for eternity. I want you to choose to spend it with me. I want you to be my wife."

Oh my gosh was he serious? He sounded very serious. Did he just pull out a ring? What in the world?

"Edward, how long have you been planning this?"

He looked a little embarrassed, " Bella it was my mother's ring so that is why I already have one and I only just thought to ask now because I figured it should be spontaneous so that Alice wouldn't ruin it. Bella, you are starting to wound my ego, do you not want to marry me?"

Marriage really hadn't been high on my "human" priority list for sure but I was a vampire now and I certainly had no parents to freak out now and no friends to disappoint except for my new family and they certainly wouldn't be disappointed they would be happy. Marriage was probably something that was probably important to him everyone in his family was married and he was from a time when that is just what you did when you loved someone there weren't a whole lot of other options back then. It seemed important to him. Was there any reason I shouldn't marry him? Yes there was one reason… and I would have to tell him.

"I do love you and I do want to marry you but I don't want to do it anytime soon. I am scared and I don't want to feel scared when I marry you."

"Bella, what do you have to be scared about? I love you."

" I know you love me right now but I'm scared that you will change your mind…" I whispered my truth very quietly but I knew that he heard because his face looked tormented.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Here we go again, I hope you like this! This story is now complete sorry if that upsets anyone but I 'm really in to writing My Own New Moon. This one was never meant to be very long . I just wanted a little glimpse into how their emotions would have played out if she had really been changed so early on in their relationship. I still don't own anything! Sorry it's taken so long but I had sick kids and a bad case of writer's block! **_

Chapter 6 : Learning to Love

His beautiful eyes were full of sadness and I couldn't handle it. "Please, Edward listen. I do want to marry you but it is all happening so fast that it's made me really scared. Neither one of us have ever been in love before and as today has shown we aren't very good at communicating our feelings to each other. I know I belong with you I know this is the life I want but I don't feel like we're ready. We don't have to be in such a rush now we have all eternity to figure it out."

"Bella, I wasn't saying let's do it today. I know you have been through a lot and that is part of the reason I asked you. I never want you to doubt me again, I never want you to doubt my love for you again. I want to be with you forever. Before you Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason. …And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When I thought you didn't want me that you would hate me for what I had done to you, the meteor fell over the horizon and everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

I sat there in stunned silence listening to him proclaim his love for me again. That was exactly how I felt alone in the meadow earlier today. He was the most beautiful and perfect man in the whole world … why was I just so scared to trust him? I knew especially after what had happened today, that if something happened to him or to us I would be irrevocably broken. Then it dawned on me that if this were the case Edward was right. We loved each other and for both of us as unbelievable as it was to fathom we were nothing without the other. I needed to let go of my fears.

I looked back up at him and decided that if we were ever going to have the relationship that we wanted we would have to start by putting everything out on the table. I decided to let him in, "Your right, I just have a hard time with the whole idea of marriage. It kind of didn't work out so well for Renee and Charlie. Your family is the first time I have ever seen marriages that really work and be something that I would want. So it's just the idea of marriage that is scary, but I also still have a lot of hang-ups about your love for me. I just don't seem like I could ever be enough for you."

He still looked like he was being tortured by everything that came out of my mouth. I kept trying though to make him understand where I was coming from. "After feeling what I did today, the thought of ever losing you has become torturous. I wouldn't survive it. Our love doesn't seem 'normal' in the human sense. People fall in and out of love all of the time but this … it's different. I feel like we're somehow connected in a different way. It seems as if my happiness and even my very existence, will somehow always be tied to being with you, having you near. The potential for losing you is frightening. I know I would cease to exist. Though it's terrifying to put myself in this position I know I don't have a choice because I have to be with you."

Realization of what I was saying finally reached his eyes and he finally smiled. He came to me and wrapped his arms around me kissing my forehead, my cheeks, my jaw, my chin, my neck and finally my lips. His sweet smell was intoxicating and caused my body to have a physical reaction as electricity shot through my limbs while he pressed my body closer to his. His crooked smile played across his face and I gasped at the realization that a few hours ago I thought I would never see that smile again.

"Bella, what you are describing is the way I have always felt about you. Vampires are different than humans in a lot of ways but especially with their choice of a mate. We don't change our minds, it's a different kind of connection than humans have, it's for eternity. Look at Rose and Emmett, Jasper and Alice and Carlisle and Esme, our love is the same. That is why today was so horrible because I had no way of knowing how strongly you felt about me as a human let alone if that would translate when you became a vampire. Then of course the fact that I couldn't protect you from what I am, I was sure you wouldn't want me. Now that I know you feel the same I have to always be with you Bella. We really are like two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together and I could no more survive without you than you could without me now."

I couldn't help it I laughed as the tension of today was slowly pushed out and I was left with Edward staring at me like I was losing it which only made me laugh harder.

"Bella, what is so funny?"

"I'm just so happy and it seems really strange to go from complete and utter devastation to sheer joy all in one day."

He picked me up and laid me down on the couch. He started to kiss me again like he had on the porch. I laughed as I flipped him over and pulled him up and closer to me. I wrapped his legs around him and pulled him as close as I possibly could without hurting him. I kissed trails down his neck and nibbled on his ear as he moaned. I liked the way I could make him feel. I felt for the first time that I wasn't the only one being dazzled.

Edward groaned as Alice flew through the door, "Come on I've given you more than enough time, we really are leaving now. And by the way I'm so excited about the wedding!"

This time it was my turn to groan.

"Alice it's not going to be a big production just small. We could just go to Vegas."

Alice looked horrified, "You most certainly will not!"

"Okay but seriously it will be low key Alice."

"Fine, fine." She was completely ignoring me.

Edward grabbed me as we were heading out the door. "You forgot something."

"Oh What?" I had not a clue until he dropped back on to one knee.

"I never heard you say Yes, so I ask again. Bella, will you marry me?"

"Yes Edward, of course I will."

His smile was glorious as he put his mother's ring on my finger.

He kissed me once more before we headed down stairs and were bombarded with, "Congratulations!"

I guess between vampire hearing , Alice and Edward there really are no secrets in this family.

_**This story really was a happily ever after story because the werewolves weren't a problem yet, Victoria hadn't started to invoke her revenge and we never encountered the Volturi so after they had worked their stuff out I didn't want to come up with something dumb to keep going so anyways I hoped you liked it! My Own New Moon has a lot more to go so if you need more to read keep up with that one! Thanks for reading!**_


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